Life Journal

London 22/10/1990 Monday

London 22/10/1990 Monday

London 22/10/1990 Monday

Everything was going so well until another damned Thursday happened…

I worked at Ealing on Thursday and called Patrick. I had given him a lovely letter that morning, which he had read and when I called him he said he loved the letter. As the atmosphere was very romantic I said I’d go to his that evening after my English lesson. He said he’d be home waiting for sure, that he wasn’t going out, under no circumstances!

So I went to English school to hand in my essay and pick up the homework – it’s half-term so no lesson. I came home, had a shower, had dinner and went out again to go to Seven Sisters. I got there at 9.30pm. I knocked on Patrick’s flat door, Zeno opened it and said that Patrick wasn’t there, that he hadn’t come home from work! My blood boiled! My face dropped. I said bye to Zeno and went to the bus stop, kicking everything in sight. I was crying with anger. After everything he said on Monday! Everything was great. I couldn’t believe he’d done this. I turned around and went back to his flat and wrote an angry note. I said he was the one destroying the relationship, that if he wanted to play games to do it to somebody else. If he didn’t want to see me why say he’d be at home? And a bunch of other things… I felt a bit better and came home. My mum was home but I just went straight to bed.

On Friday I went to work in the Portobello branch, I was on my own all day, Letitia worked at the Ealing shop. Patrick called me around 3. I told him I was dead and no longer existed. He asked if there was any chance he could be forgiven. I said NO and put the phone down.

Then Letitia called me asking if I could gather some clothes I no longer needed to give to a Brazilian friend to sell at the market. There were some clothes Letitia had given us at Patrick’s flat so I told her I’d go pick them up in the evening. Just the excuse I needed, because, really, I wanted to go and see him. I got there after work, opened the door to his flat and there he was, sat on the sofa. I asked him to sort which clothes he wanted, that I needed the rest to sell on, and once he did that, I put the ones he didn’t want into a bag he lent me. He went back to the living room without even trying to talk to me, so I left.

I got to the lift then I went back to his flat, and called him a bastard! He laughed, I left. I got on the bus, but I wasn’t going to just leave it at that. Oh no! I got off the bus and went back to his flat. He was exactly in the same place I’d left him: on the sofa, looking sad. I felt sorry for him. So I said “Well, let’s start again.”

He looked at me really sad. I asked him why he was being like this, but he said nothing. George and Zeno came back. I started thinking it was the end, that he never liked me anyway, that he was lying all along and now he had an easy way to get rid of me. I decided to go for good and went to collect my things and finally he decided to say something. He asked me to go to his bedroom for us to talk. Of course I went… It was what I wanted. Very slowly, bit by bit the conversation started to gather momentum, until we spoke freely.

He said he was really sorry, he didn’t know why he went for a drink with John after work and then he couldn’t stop drinking. He said he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me and didn’t understand why it happened, when everything was going so well between us. I said I lost trust in him and wasn’t sure I could give him another chance. He started swearing he’d never stood me up again. I asked him to stop swearing. He seemed so sad, I was getting super sad too. Finally he said he disappeared on Thursday because he’s still running away and can’t give himself completely, that he’s scared. After about 10 minutes of silence, I asked him out for a drink and we went to the pub. I didn’t let him pay for any drinks, all on me! I said I’d give it another go as I like him so much.

Sirka joined us, we bought pizza and got free ice cream and we sat outside the pub eating. There was some leftover pizza so I started a pizza and ice cream food fight so we could have a laugh. I needed to see Patrick laughing, he still looked really down.

We went to sleep, I laid there awake for ages, I couldn’t sleep. I went to work the next day, Saturday. Letitia got sent to work at Kensington Market. Patrick called at 3, but the shop was too busy, I couldn’t answer. Five minutes later I received a bunch of red flowers! I melted! I tried calling him but he had left work. He called at 6, I thanked him for the flowers, which he said were to say sorry for Thursday.

After work I helped Letitia with the clothes, went home and then went to Seven Sisters, didn’t get there until 9.30. Patrick was looking out the window waiting for me, when I arrived at his flat – his door is almost always unlocked when someone is home. He hadn’t seen me arriving because I came from a different direction. We were supposed to go to party but I was very late – the party was at his uncle’s squat, which is far away. We didn’t go in the end. We went to D’s flat, everyone was there. Wagner was making trouble with everyone. Pat and I were stuck together all night and we went to bed at 2. We woke up on Sunday, had coffee and a shower together, it was so nice! Then we went to Camden with George. It was very cold. Patrick bought five tapes and I bought a pair of crazy earrings. We got back to his flat, played chess, made love and slept until midnight. We ate and then slept again. It was so perfect, now I’m scared it’s all downhill from now on. But I won’t think too much, I’ll just enjoy it!

%d bloggers like this: