29 May 1990
Everything suddenly solved itself, from one day to the next, and now I don’t want to see Gustavo even if he’s dressed as Henrique. On Saturday night we smoked lots of hash and he said the most awful things to me. He said he didn’t trust me, that I’m false, that I lie. I didn’t understand why he was saying this and he wouldn’t tell me. Then he kept saying he didn’t fancy me and that’s he’s never coming near me again. All of this should have left me devastated. But I just stopped and analysed and all I managed to feel was anger at myself for thinking this stupid boy was worthy of my affections. He’s so shallow, foolish, ignorant, reactionary…
On Sunday me, him, my mum and Carmen went to Cambridge. My mum told me Gustavo was an idiot, alienated, a spoilt rich brat. How could I be friends with him? Even Carmen complained he keeps asking really stupid questions, about things that make no sense and are out of context. And the landlady said that Gustavo must not stay anymore or we will have to leave, and my mother was sick of him saying he needs to go, a lot of pressure. I felt responsible for the situation and felt sorry for him. Shame he’s so unbearable, my love for him couldn’t survive the horrible things he said to me.
We arrived back from Cambridge and at 10:30 Karl and Robinson arrived here, saying they paid someone to open a squat, we just had to pay £50.00 and we could have a bedroom until it finished (i.e. until the council took people to court). I was so happy! Gustavo and I paid the money and had a spliff with the angels who saved the situation, and got back home.
Then Gustavo turns to me and says he doesn’t want me there, in the same room as him. I couldn’t believe it. But I thought at least now my conscience could feel at ease, he has a place to live. I was stupid enough to invite him here without a firm place to stay, at least now I can wash my hands off him. So he moved in yesterday and I went to see the squat. Once Gustavo goes I can keep the room. Karl took me there. The flat is new, just painted. Just needs furniture. Denise and Robinson sleep in the the other bedroom. The five of us came to my house to pick the stereo up – for capoeira, as Robinson’s is broken. On the way we walked past a fast food restaurant and Denise and Gustavo got a job! They wanted two women but I didn’t want the job, I didn’t like the look of the place, so Gustavo took it. Mission accomplished: House and job in 24 hours!
I did capoeira after two weeks. Gustavo hates it, says it’s ridiculous. But now he’s living with Robinson he suddenly loves it. I feel sorry for him, it must be difficult not having a personality. He thinks he’s great but no one really gives a shit about him. Nobody could stand him in Rio either, I could see it, but I felt sorry for him. I can see the minute he opens his shouty mouth here, everyone starts to sigh. He told everyone he has lots of friends in Rio and then he told me that they all think I’m weird and hate me. I don’t know if it’s true or not. But if it is, I don’t really care anymore. I was the only person who really liked him and he treated me like this. Now I’m part of the group of people who tolerate him and who are slightly embarrassed to be with him when he opens his mouth. I could go on, but I’m just tired of all of this now. I don’t even want to be friends with him.