Life Journal

London 14/10/1990 Sunday

London 14/10/1990 Sunday

London 14/10/1990 Sunday

Everything was going well, until last Thursday – two Thursdays ago was also rough. Patrick didn’t call me at work, and silly me, I still went to 7 Sisters, after English class. When I got to Patrick’s, Sean told me he’d gone to the pub with George. I went to D’s flat, everyone was there, as usual. I stayed there, chatting, until half past midnight. I went back to Patrick’s and he still wasn’t there. I laid down in his bed, reading “Romeo & Juliet” and fell asleep. Soon after he gets in, really drunk, of course. I was ok with him as I wasn’t upset. Then when he laid down I saw he had a black satin glove on his hand. I asked where he got that and he said he’d found it – I later saw it was ripped. He came to kiss me and I said his breath was getting me drunk. He looked a bit taken back, I turned around and went to sleep. The atmosphere wasn’t great in the morning, I just got up and left.

On Friday I went to the Ealing branch of the shop (Desire) as I was looking after it alone, but when I got there Letitia was there already. Sharon (general manager) had sent her there and she wanted me in the Portobello Rd. branch as she didn’t think I could cope on my own, as it was a Friday, and it’s busy! Sharon is a bitch. I went to Portobello Rd and then she left me on my own all day, even though that shop is a lot busier than Ealing! Obviously I managed OK on my own, no problem. Sharon only got back late, at 6:30. I had to wait until she was back. For payback I took a pair of trousers and a jacket. She’s so ignorant. Letitia and I are thinking of leaving the job together.

Patrick called me at the shop and I asked him to come to mine at 8.30pm for us to go out after. I went home, had a shower and Patrick showed up. He put his hand out to shake mine and said “Friends again?”. I said “Of course, friends always.” He said “Only friends?” and I said “Yes” and there was silence. Then he said he didn’t want to lose me, and that was all I wanted to hear. He said that, however, he wanted some time alone too as all his spare time was spent with me. I said it was “ALL OR NOTHING”, that “I want 100%” (I was messing around). He said “What about 75% of my free time?”. I said “NO!”. He said he likes us together and didn’t want it all to end over nothing.

I stopped playing and said, of course it’s ok, as I also need time on my own. Then we made up! Perfect!!! We went out after making up, then got home around 2am and made some crazy love! I went to work half dead on Saturday, so tired. I had the key to the shop and couldn’t be late, but still I was 10 minutes late. I had to go to Ealing to give the key to Terry (Letitia forgot to leave the key when she worked there) and only got back to Portobello around noon. Sharon is Rob’s older sister – not sure I even mentioned that. It’s how Letitia and Rob met. Rob is my age, a couple of years younger than Letitia.

Patrick called to say he’d be at the shop at 6 (he left work early). At 5, Sharon put me in a taxi with her two daughters to drop them off at Ealing, and I didn’t get back until 6:30. Letitia and Dominique were waiting for me but no Patrick. We met Rob and went to drink wine and Letitia left. Rob and I went to Dominique’s house to smoke & drink. I left at 8:30 to go to Seven Sisters and when I got there Patrick was sleeping, he slept all afternoon. I was tired and fell asleep. Two hours later Patrick woke me up saying there was a party at D’s. Sean, George, D, Chris, Wagner, Felipe, Robinson, Otavio, Celio, Patrick and I were at the party. Chris’ squat was locked in with the key inside so they had to break in through the bathroom window. When Patrick and I went back to his the door wouldn’t open either, the key got stuck, so we all had to get in through the window. My trousers and top got caught on a nail and both got ripped! Patrick managed to open the door again this morning after much fiddling.

We did a big clean up of Patrick’s squat with Sean and George and we went to D’s house but we were a bit fed up with each other. D made a nice meal for D, Ro, Fe, Chris and Otavio. I was going to eat some too but she started with her stupid jokes (she reminds me of Renata sometimes) saying I shouldn’t eat as it was going to make me sick. “Oh, you think so?” I said, and put the plate down and sat on the sofa with a knot on my throat. Everyone started telling me to eat but I left and went to Patrick’s flat and cried. About 10m later Patrick came in and I was packing my bag. He kept calling me but I wouldn’t answer, I just couldn’t. I went to the bathroom to cry there. I guess what he said to me upset me and then Denise’s stupid joke was the last straw. I felt abandoned. When I was in the bathroom Denise came in to say she was sorry, but I didn’t open the door. I just said it was fine, I’d go and eat in a minute and I went back to the bedroom.

George came in to talk to me, I told him what happened, he left and I sat there, looking at the sky. Then I heard Patrick saying “See you later” and banging the door. I just watched him leave from his bedroom window. I wrote a note saying he could have 100% of his free time and that loving him was not good for me. If that letter was for me I’d never want to see me again… I’m not contacting him anymore. I left Seven Sisters and went to Camden, it was 5.30 when I got there. I walked around for a bit and bumped into Karl. We talked for a bit, he’s going to Brazil on the 28th. I got fed up and came home, my mum isn’t here but should be in soon. She’s going to bug me asking me why I’m home but I don’t want to talk about it with anyone. I’m in shock. Is this how it ends, over something stupid? I’m such an over sensitive idiot, I take everything too seriously. I’m starting to hate myself and hating being in love. I’m too insecure. Enough, otherwise I’ll start crying again.

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